My Spiritual Journey

This book was inspired by a client. I was driving the equivalent of Uber. Like a taxi driver. My first client in a long time, I mean I hadn’t driven for 6 months or so and I just drove with the intention to put some energy in motion. And boy did I put it the energy in motion.

The guy sat in my car and started cursing, fuck, it’s difficult to get in. He was a cripple but he was 80 years old. A mathematician who had built some serious software infrastructure for the Estonian government. Anyway, long story short, it was a 15 minute drive and we hit it off. We vibed and really hit it off. He told me some of his stories and I jumped in and told me about my journey with plant medicines and shamanism. He told me that I have to record these stories for my kids, and their kids and humanity over all. We really vibed with god and everything being one.

At the destination when he got out of the car and we parted ways, I had goosebumps. Goosebumps I hadn’t had for a long time! He also said his cousin or someone works for Elon Musk in Silicon Valley.

“May god protect you” were his last words as we parted ways. I didn’t get an instant order again and when I stopped I saw an audi with the numberplates 940 leave. Why it matters? I’m having a trip with car plates 4 and 9. They keep surrounding me. Neighbours. I see them consistently in the city. It’s a vibration. Anyway. I went and got the book from Jaan Kaplinski, the guy he mentioned.

So here I am. Writing the entry to this book in a bar at a restaurant close to my home in Estonia, Laulasmaa. As I write this I realise I actually like this place. I just want to own my own land by the sea with a dream house. But that’s not as important for you, dear redear and dear child of mine.

The real point of this is to share my journey. Why it’s important you may ask? Maybe because my story may be one of those biggest comebacks in human history. And my energy is pretty much unmatched by others. Maybe this is the first time in human history when this type of energy has had the chance to accumulate. You think I’m too arrogant do you? It’s okay. I’ll explain what I mean. Ah, a lot of stuff has it’s first beginnings in this time and era we live. But my story is about healing, spirituality and energy. And no one had access to these plants together before because they come from different parts of the world. And no one was silly enough to mix all of em together like that.

I have achieved enlightenment by accident. By mixing different power plants together somewhere in the southern tip of Portugal somewhere between 2018 and 2019. During that night I mixed together ayahuasca, peyote, magic mushrooms, marijuana. Then 2 nights before I had been mixing all of these together but I also added a microdose of LSD and when the enlightenment happened I was served rapé which is Brazilian tobacco snuff. So when I sat back to my place, the moment happened.

That moment my consciousness and energy was pulled to some place beyond whatever I had experienced before. Then it brought me back. I was shaking. Everything was full of light. The shamans and the 70 people were all staring at me, what happened. Two become one. Oneness, non duality.

It’s 2024 and I still take time to integrate what happened and manage this energy. After that I became a husband to my strong headed but willful and loyal wife, a father to my lovely clairvoyant daughter and my son who I can heal from now on. I love all of them more than anything. I still think daily how blessed and grateful I am for them.

It’s all an awesome story from my near 2 decade experience with plant medicines but I must go back how it all started. Because without that effort I might have ended up dead, gay, a drug addict or an alcoholic. Seriously. And this is also just the beginning. Because I’m 36 as I write this and the shaman that made my initiation was 106. And I want to build stuff and enjoy life with my family.

As I write this I realise how many times I have started this project but I never pushed forward with it. Maybe because I had way too high expectations and I wanted to do it all at once. Now I realise I’m doing it for another purpose and I don’t have huge expectations. Maybe it’s more like a fun side project. But also maybe I should take it with some respect as well.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to tell you my story and how I ended up here. How it all started and where I’m going.

I was the only kid of some Russian gangster and an Estonian girl who was broken. I kind of feel like I was an unwanted child and a burden to my parents. My father was a dick to my mom and my mom was a single mom who trusted my dad and he fucked her over. Simple.

I was a single kid didn’t know what love was and was showered with physical gifts and stuff. My dad made some bad decisions, lost his money. My mother had to work herself out this situation. She had always been hurt by men. So she naturally didn’t show me warmth. During my healing journey I realized many things and one thing I realized is that my mother didn’t show me warmth because she had never experienced warmth either. She did take care of me in her own ways by providing me with education and shelter.

I think I made her very happy by gifting her a granddaughter and grandson. Maybe it’ll take time for her to realize this.

Anyway, I digressed. Back to my story. So not feeling loved and being confused and separated from my father who would’ve been a weak dad anyway because he had trauma as well. He didn’t have grounding. That was his problem. His father dided when he was young. His mother, my grandmother, was super harsh, like more in the mind than in the heart. Strong woman though. All of this kind of took us away from our roots and into bad energies and bad vibes. My dad drank himself to death. His “friends” betrayed him. Sad story. I had fake friends and so on. I went from school to school. Not knowing what I want to do nor what I want to study. My mother forced me to finish university and I didn’t have the balls or wisdom to say no and go my own way. I had nothing smarter to do. Somehow this crazy energy took me to plant medicines. Which was actually a shitty rabbit hole too. Until that event happened in Portugal and realised on that day in my energy is way more powerful than theirs and that they pull but I hold the line. Maybe alone. But I must. For my future and the future of my kids and grandkids and so on. But I have a lot of stories to tell and that’s what I want to get to and that’s what I want to write about.

One of the stories is the “Eagle Feather”

The time insaw horse carriages on lsd in front of prive i time travelled.

I guess I was around 25 or something. We took a tab of LSD with my friend back then. Dunno what has happened to him. Anyway, I was hanging out over there, took lsd and we walked in old town. My friend told me to look at the car that was driving towards us and think of it to stop. And we both directed our focus there and the car stopped. It turned into a parking spot. This was on the intersection of Harju and Müürivahe in Tallinn Old Town.

We moved on to Freedom Square. As I reached freedom square, I saw these light channels coming down through the sky, like tentacles or energetic channels, and all of the Freedom Square was full of these connections.

And before that. In front of the club Privé. Well, right on the edge of the house separating the street and Freedom square. From my right hand side towards Roosikrantsi street, I saw a cart with horses ride/fly past me with people sitting in it from the middle ages. They were see through. It just happened like for a moment. There used to be a street road over there back in the day. That’s where they were travelling.

It gave me sense of seeing through the past or into other dimensions. It distorted my space time.

My story from rainforest to mongolia.

This was my leap year. I travelled a lot. I went to travel to Sri Lanka, then to Koh Pha Gnan in Thailand, then to Bali Indonesia, to Portugal for 3 days, to Mallorca Spain for a month or so. Then to Eagle Condor festival in Brazil at Alto Paraiso. From there I went to the Rainforest to the Yawanawa family in the state of Acre. I know Biraci, Nawashahu Yawanawa, Peu Yawanana. But honestly I don’t think that is the path for me anymore. Maybe one day. But not really going their way. Maybe travel with my family when they are older.

I was in the rainforest for 3 months with that tribe. We had a lot of ceremonies, a lot of singing. A lot of looking for the truth.

I also had 1 month diet there with those people. But at the end of dieta I kind of just wanted to run away. It was not a friendly environment. I literally just felt like our energies were bouncing. It’s the same here. No where do they treat me like I treat myself. Treat myself like a king and make my way in this world.

I remember a day when we had been taking ayahuasca for the whole day during the day. I took like 8 cups. I went so far in the spirit world. Wishing someone would hug me. But no one hugged me. I realised I must hug myself. No one will love me more than I love myself. I discovered self-love. Actually I re-membered self-love. Because the seed of self-love I discovered in Thailand.

I digress with the stories but I want to say what needs to be said. At Thailand in the resort named The Sanctuary I was walking around in one of their yoga halls. The one that is big and on the lower level. I was pacing around for 3-4 hours just making circles. And then out of nowehere I felt how something blossomed in my heart. The seed of self-love. I saw this vision without any psychedelics.

So before the dieta I was in the village of Nova Esperanca. New hope for the Yawanawa people. I was sleeping in a hammoc in the chiefs house. I had been listening to a podcast or either read the a book on Chinggis Khan. During that night the spirit visited me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and there was someone there. I felt his presence everywhere. I thought it was Chinggis Khan himself. Or maybe it was the creator himself. I wasn’t afraid of it but I felt the presence clearly. It was friggin everywhere.

Anyway after the dieta I went back to Europe. I met my mother in Portugal, Porto. She got a four seasons hotel. Like usually she could spend something on that but not in pushing my dreams forward. Anyway that’s a different story. I remember how my leg got swollen over there. I guess it got swollen because of those cookies I ate after I got out of the rainforest.

I went back to Estonia. I lived in my mothers house in Lohusalu. I wasn’t happy there. I had my wish to go to Mongolia. To visit the path of Chinggis Khan. So I decided to do that. I went and got myself a visa in Stockholm. I took out a loan and bought tickets to Monogolia.

I remember writing to tour agencies for someone to take me to the Mountain of Burkhan Khaldun in Mongolia. I remember living there in a hostel in Ulaanbaatar for a few days until I found someone to take me to the mountain. I had even written to the President of Mongolia before. Because at the time it was only for diplomats and local spiritual people to be permitted to the mountain.

Anyway, I finally found a driver. He was nice. He could say yes and no in Russian. Laughing out loud as I think of this. But we enjoy each other’s company.

It took us like 1.5 days to get to the place. I actually got to climb it on my birthday. I don’t know when it was. Maybe somewhere like 27/28?

Anyway, we went there. Got to sleep in the van for the night. We were meant to meet some people with horses who would be as guides to get me up to the mountain. I think they never found us. So we moved onwards to the bottom of the mountain and luckily got to climb the mountain alone.

I ate magic mushrooms and cannabis cookies while ascending the mountain. I also fasted. So I climbed to the top. I took a rest for 30 minutes somewhere 1/3rd up. Maybe I will find pictures

I felt like the mountain spirit took me in. There were wolves, bears, deer in the park. Big area. National park.

Towards the place I saw nomads living. The land is huge! Huge land. Beautiful land.

As I ascended I remember feeling like the wind, the universe was blowing in circles aroud me. Talking to my spirit. Connecting. I also remember when I reached the top. I saw like an angel figure telling me you made it, now you can live on your own terms.

When I descended then I remember hearing men on horseback. Like the army of Chinggis Khan chasing me away.

In the ceremony it was just me. Holding my energy. All of them wanted it. I didn’t share any. I learned a lesson there. My father had passed 4 weeks after the ceremony. Approximately.

The time I want to Brazil in 2023 to take the chiefs knife to him. I saw my energy and skills and wisdom help me contain my energy and it’s as powerful if not more powerful than theirs. Then the Estonian shamans try to suppress it.

First off, I realize I was taught this knowledge through plants and shamans. Kind of an apprenticheship. One is shared this wisdom by the medicine carriers only if you are ready to obtain this information. Sometimes they don’t even share this information directly, this information is obtained through plants themselves. The plants teach you. There was a quote that the messenger can only deliver the message to the recipient who is vibrationally ready.

I know how much effort I put into that to achieve that level. I also experienced enlightenment. Level 1000 on the David Hawkins scale. By accident mind you but maybe it was divine will. God knows.

I know it has been super challenging to integrate. Because of the complete tortilla flip on life. A new fundamental spiritual / universal law was shown to me. I had and still am recalculating all of my values. It’s like a function you have to backtrack to find the bug. And man have there been loads of bugs in my software (read: brain, habits, thoughts).

It’s way hareder to maintain this level. Why? People just are jealous. They want to compete with you. They see you as a threat. So it’s more challenging. I realize that coding, online, internet, those might be my ways out. Or I will just go down in glory. God knows. Although I kind of want to believe and believe that the creator wants to wish me the best. Coz I have put so much energy and effort into maintaining this level. I have challenged so much lower vibrational humans and beings that I must maintain this and protect my family.

And the constellations I talked about. Well I can see how energy moves and people move around me and everyone has their own thought and vibration towards me. And I seem to affect everyone and many people notice me because I clearly am not affacted by their movements and energies like others. Something like that. 

I just uploaded this text on my website so I’m not so fussed about what I’m writing here and I wanted to put the energy into motion.

So maybe one thing that I would want to explain about these plants and power plants is that they have very potent energy.

They can be healing but they can also be a trap.

The first part why they're healing. These plants can help you see beyond the veil. They also plant information and wisdom into your consciousness. Helping you see through things and realize situations about your life. This is great.

The trap if you do not know how to protect yourself then the medicine carriers who might lack certain levels of integrity can kind of throw hooks into your consciousness and start feeding off of your energy.

The way they feed off of your energy is that you will consistently feel like you need to go to a ceremony. Which will cost you your time and money.

Another thing they can do is plant bad energy into your aura. Literally. Sounds weird but it's that simple.

The way to protect yourself is to pray for yourself. Be aware of these nuances. As well as listen to your intution and do what your heart, body and mind tell you to be the best thing for you to do.

Maybe knowing that your will is more powerful than someone elses will on you is a strong protection too.

I understand that my energy is a blessing. I went to the Yawanawa retreat in Akasha back in November of 2023. The only purpose to go there was to take the knife to the chief that I promised to take to him for his birthday.

Entry from 1st of November 2024

I just thought I’ll write an entry about where I am in life. Hopefully it will stay online even when I’m gone. Well, someone will have to pay for my domain or I have to prepay my domain and github for like a century.

I’m writing this from the backseat of my Tesla Model Y in my own yard at Evametsa tee 5.

The energy here in Estonia is pretty cold for me. I am being hated. Maybe because me and my family are young and living at home happily. These people try to twist this energy. They know this place. But they’re only twisting themselves because I know what they’re doing and I’m outplaying them. They started the war. I’m finishing it.

It’s all love. The more love you send the more you receive. But if it feels like you need to push yourself to give love to someone then don’t. Put yourself first. Then your family. Then community and the world.

No one will love you more than you yourself love yourself. It’s a lifelong skill. Trust your intuitoon.

Maybe this is the whole point of this post. No one will love you more than you yourself. This love is not fake. You will feel it. Share this love with your close ones. Share it with the world. But set boundaries. Fill your own cup first. Fill it with someone. Love shared grows. But don’t over share it so that you yourself are left empty.

I hope that I will be able to get my family out of this positoon where we are.

I don’t knwo why but I feel like this is one of the coolest discoveris I have made in a while. That instead of going to some office or going to some cafe, I can work from my car, in my yard. It’s like an outside office building. Pretty freaking cool!

Life if short. Family and work what matters the most. Maybe it should be work and family.

FIgure out where you have an edge and double down on that. What excites you. What helps you build the life you want to build.